Senior Year Problems

Because when I call her sobbing hysterically because shit hits the fan she offers to drive up that night, at sometime around midnight or even later after a long-ass day at work, and drop everything. She comes up, sits with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and just is there. Then she buys my roomies and her friend Chinese food, because she cares about the people I care about. My roomies just felt better with her being there, comforting us, just being happy. I’m not at liberty whatsoever to say what happened. All I can say that I am absurdly blessed to have a sister like her, friends like I do, and the amazing boyfriend who just holds me through it all.

I might have these absurd, crazy, senior year problems, but then I realize everything good that I have. We all need to remember that. We take so much for granted every day, but when it boils down to the remnants of our lives, the people we hold dear are the only real things that we have at all.

Junk food helps. Being held in the sunshine helps. Watching South Park and Grey’s Anatomy until you can’t even think anymore helps. Sitting in the living room silently helps. Just being together helps.

Remember how much another person’s love means.

My feelings on being an adult are perfectly summarized by Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy. “We’re adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?”

Yesterday, I was STUPIDLY productive. I woke up at 8 AM, e-mailed people to be some references, got my 9 and 1/4 page story passed in—then realized I fucked it up and left half of my assignment in my apartment. And my computer crashed so I couldn’t e-mail her and beg forgiveness. I then spilled coffee all over my jacket. Broke a sweat running back to my apartment. Curled up in a chair, waiting for 10 minutes to pass, and desperately craved a cigarette at 10 AM.

Got lost on the way to my internship meeting for 11 AM. Thankfully I left VERY early, so I got there on time. I got the internship! The dog at the group home (a BIIIIG golden retriever…so cute!) really cheered me up, and the director was SUCH a nice guy. I’m really excited for that.

Then I zipped back to my apartment, got the remainder of the things for my paper that I missed out earlier (and I was going to take a late grade) and managed to reboot my computer. I ran off with Jenn (who comforted me at 10 AM in my nic fit) to pass in the remainder of my paper, then we went to go take a big ass neuro exam. Then, I went to class. Then, my roommates made an AMAZING dinner, then I cut a wig for Jenn (Ramona Flowers!) then I went to iParty and Wal-mart where I finished getting the remainder of things for my costume. Then I came home and read 100 pages in a book.

GET ON MY LEVEL. I hope adulthood isn’t that fucking busy, confusing, and chaotic oh godddd.

This is my new blog about my senior year problems. I hope all of you other confused folk out there can relate. Yeah. Awwwww, here it goes.

I sat in the long, carpeted hallway in my apartment with my legs tucked under me and my head against the yellow wall. For some reason, one wall in the hallway was painted white and the other, yellow. The walls in my house are painted just like that. I think it is some new trend in interior decorating, but that’s not my major, so I don’t think I have a say in that. I tend to digress a lot. Bear with me.

As I was sitting there, head on wall, legs against the ground, I thought to myself this is the only appropriate seat for me right now. I am a senior with no direction. The world is being hurled out in front of me and I have no idea where I am going. I cannot sit in a chair. The only appropriate place for me is on this floor. I am here, at rock bottom, facing the rest of my life and I have not one slight iota of a fragment of a hint what any of the last three years has to do with this moment right now, or any moment after.

I am lost. I’m supposed to be getting my life together.

And I am a flake. This will probably be the first and last entry in this Tumblr because I have the terrible habit of never completing anything I finish. There are a constant flurry of ideas crashing through my head, yet none of them ever seem to come to a complete fruition. There is no place for someone like that in the real world. The real world needs responsible adults and I am still a child who wonders and questions everything.

I’m still learning, but I’m at the point in my life where I’m supposed to take the things I learn and make them into a productive contribution to society. What the hell does that even mean?

As I sat on the floor, my roommate Alyssa tried to comfort me. She said that all seniors feel this way, expressing that the gravity of reality seems to have a heavier pull these days. I took comfort in the words, of course, but felt as though their gravities were like that of Earth, and mine more so the pull of Jupiter. I feel like lead, helplessly plunking to the ground when I should be some sort of feather, journeying on to bigger and more meaningful things.

I told her I want to take a class that studies relationships between people. She knows that I want to (kind of, because me having any sort of concrete direction is just not a possibility right now) be a sex therapist. I laughed. How can I possibly explain to my parents that I want to study people fucking? I mean, do what you know and love, but how do I sit down at dinner and say, “Yes, so I talked my client about their sex life today and…”

But I laughed it off and told her that it’s a definite possibility, but I just don’t know. I should just travel, get in some misadventures (which seems to be my forte) and write a novel about it. Writing makes me feel more human, more understandable, and quite honestly a little more sane. It helps seeing my feelings in front of me in a way someone else can understand them. But where’s the money in that? Where’s the career? I hate that money is what it comes down to. Hate. I’m too much of a free-spirit-flake-fest to hold onto what little money I have.

But I guess I’ll stop there since this is long. But yeah. Welcome to Senior Year Problems. Love it.